Today...

I'm feeling a little overwhelmed, emotionally. The weird part is that my emotions are running under the surface. I'm not wracked with emotion, crying uncontrollably. I really don't have anything to cry about, yet, and it's possible that I won't have any reason to. I've always sort of made it my policy not to become upset about something that hasn't happened, yet. So. I sit here. Waiting.  I'm waiting until Monday afternoon, when I can have a test done, and then wait some more while an evaluation of the results takes place. While I'm waiting, I'm going to choose to trust God.  The God who made me, and knows me, and who hasn't left my side, and who will walk with me, no matter what. "You keep in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You." (Isaiah 26:3) In the meantime, I'm a little nervous, somewhat frightened, but choosing to rest in the assurance that I don't know the worst, and am hoping for the best possible outcome.  And that's where I find peace.  Not that it's all going to be ok, but that whatever comes, I'm ok.  I'm His. And I really have nothing to fear.

God's Good, Pleasing, and Perfect Will

"Do not be conformed any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what the Lord's will is - His good, pleasing, and perfect will." Romans 12:2

I have a dream.  How much energy should I expend in making it a reality?  Should I promote it actively, or in a more nonchalant fashion?  I have an education to gain - in what order should I place my priorities?  It seems like the Lord is tugging at my heart - but I just don't know.  Help!

This morning I came to an interesting realization.  Well, maybe it's been happening over the last little while.  (I love how the Lord works.)  I realized that I'm unable to successfully and confidently determine what the Lord's will is.  The reason for this inability - and here's the realization - is that I've allowed myself to conform in various ways to the pattern of the world in which I'm living.  That's when He reminded me of the verse above, Romans 12.  As He did, I began to see glimpses of the reality that is yet to come - His will. (?)  He has a good, pleasing, and perfect will.  As I'm being conformed to His image - transforming my thoughts and actions - I can start to see (and do) His will.

One step at a time, walking in obedience to a living, loving and holy God, I will see His will fulfilled.

Thank You, Jesus.

Mullins' Escape

Posting this for Jill-ann.  Praying for Dottie's safe return, and for the care she receives in the meantime.

Years ago, we had a cockatiel that we named Mullins - after one of my favorite music artists.  This is the story of our heartbreak, uncertainty and reconciliation.

ANSWERED PRAYER: Mullins' Escape!

I took our cockatiel (Mullins) out of his cage, and brought him upstairs with me while I finished some chores. He was a great little buddy.  As I was putting away clothes, he flew out of the bedroom, down the stairs, and out the back door. Before he reached the back door, however, he bumped into a window. (ouch!) This probably shook him up a bit. I had run down the stairs and saw him just as he flew over the back wall, landing in the drainpipe of the house behind us. From my backyard, I could see his little yellow head as he perched in this temporary sanctuary. I sent Aaron outside to call Mullins. Mullins loved Aaron.  Aaron called, but Mullins wouldn't come. Aaron came back inside and went out again after a few minutes. This time, Mullins climbed up onto the edge of the drainpipe. We were hopeful that he would come right over. However...as he lifted off to take flight, some pigeons from the house next door also took flight.  I'm sure he felt as if they were in pursuit. In his fright, Mullins soared off over the top of our house. Out of sight and certainly unreachable.

Later on, I walked through the neighborhood. Mullins could have been anywhere! I was quite discouraged. After the kids got home, Taylor and I made flyers and posted them on mailboxes (we have the community-type boxes). Before we set out, we prayed. We asked the Lord to protect Mullins, and we asked that He would help Mullins find a home if he were not to come back to us. We knew that God could tell Mullins how to get home. Of course 'could' and 'would' are two different things. Later that night I prayed, Aaron had prayed, and Taylor was praying.

The next day, I realized that the mailman had removed the flyers we had posted the day before. We decided not to re-post them. We continued to pray. It was not looking good, though. The night before had been cold. A small bird like Mullins can catch cold very easily and that's the end of it. He's not a wild bird, so he's not able to find his own food and water. 36 hours is a long time! In the mean time, we left his cage on the back porch, with plenty of fresh seed, water.

On the next day, still no Mullins. That morning was colder than the one before, which meant that the night had been colder, too. I realized the day before that I was going to miss his little voice and his whistles. We have a lovebird, too. They call to one another. Sylvester would miss his buddy. Things didn't seem very hopeful...until that afternoon.

When we got home from school, there was a message on the answering machine. A boy had found our bird. He was three blocks away (on the street that I reluctantly went ahead and posted flyers on that first day). The boy, Patrick, said that he and his friend were playing outside earlier and spotted Mullins on top of the roof. Patrick, 12 yrs. old, climbed up on the roof and brought Mullins down. He took him inside where his mother put some water out. Mullins was VERY thirsty, they said. They had him in a little cage. We were so excited!!

When we picked Mullins up, he barely weighed anything! He was starving and very weak. I gave Patrick a $20 reward, since that is what we had promised on our flyer. We went home, clipped Mullins' wings, and set him up with plenty of food and water in his own cozy home.

In the meantime, Patrick tracked us down and returned the reward. He said he was glad that he was able to help and that's all the thanks he needed. Great kid!! We decided to leave a gift for Patrick and his friends on his doorstep. The card said, "Thank you for saving Mullins!"

You can be sure that we thanked the Lord for answering our prayer in such a fantastic way! We thanked Him for keeping Mullins safe, for bringing him home and for giving Patrick the courage to do what he did - both times!  We were fortunate to experience such a happy ending.  It was a great picture of the Lord's sovereignty, provision and care.

"In you, O Lord, I have taken refuge...

Be my rock of refuge to which I can always go..."

Psalm 71:1,3

The Lord is...

Psalm 23

The LORD is my shepherd, (overseer)
I shall not want. (provider)
He makes me lie down in green pastures; (sympathizer)
He leads me beside quiet waters. (encourager)
He restores my soul: (calm assurance giver)
He guides me in the paths of righteousness (holy leader)
For His name's sake. (one who regards reputation)

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, (conqueror, comforter)
I fear no evil, for You are with me; (mighty protector)
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. (disciplinarian)
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; (righteous judge, sustainer)
You have anointed my head with oil; (elector, sanctifier)
My cup overflows.  (generous giver)

Surely goodness and loving-kindness will follow me all the days of my life, (true and faithful lover)
And I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever. (eternal life giver)

The LORD is... my Shepherd.

The Words of a Love Song

Journal entry from years ago...

~oh, ashley... did you mean for the words of your song to speak to my heart as if they were the words of the Lord? that's what's happened tonight. in my despair, the Lord spoke to my heart with your words. He said, "All that you bring to the table is love. And that is so much. That is so much..." in response, my heart rested in Him as He brought more than enough to feed my empty soul. it is by His grace that i am what i am. and it is by His grace that i'm able to give to those who are most important in my life. ashley, thank you for the words of that song. and thank you for your continuing encouragement. you are a blessing, dear one. you are a blessing.~

I had watched the movie Spanglish, and the ending brought a huge realization.  There was a stand-off between a mom and her daughter.  The mom said, in her thick Spanish accent,  "No space between us!"  It was emotional and desperate and true.  In that moment, I applied it to my relationship with my step-daughter.  I wanted so much to be close with her.  But I also knew that she was/is her mother's daughter.  Not mine, by birth.  Having been so in love with Ashley's song weeks before, it was hidden in my heart.  And, at just the right time, the Lord used those words to minister to me as I bled, emotionally.  I was called to love a child who was not my own.  And I did.  I was realizing that I had not been loving unconditionally.  My expectations had gotten in the way.  She was not my own.  There were certain things I could expect - but a return on my investment, when I wanted it, was not one of them.

Love is a gamble that we take.  And in the words of another poignant song...  "It's never for nothing."  Margaret Becker sang, "It's never for nothing, when you love with no return.  It's never for nothing.  You light your candle in the darkness.  But it's never for nothing."  Lord, help me to completely trust Your love.  Help me to trust You.  Please forgive my selfish piety.  Help me to honor You from this day forward.  Father, give me enough grace to share with others.  Ashley sings, "All that You bring to the table is love, and that is so much. That is so much.  (It really is) more than enough to feed us."  Father, help me to be grateful for the love that You've given.  Thank You for loving me.  May I always be satisfied in You.  In Jesus' name.  Amen.

***
Now, that same daughter... my beautiful daughter... has her own precious little baby growing inside.  Tatum is 26, and she's expected to give birth in July.  I am so hugely blessed by the tender-loving relationship we share today.  Her dad and I get texts within minutes of the news she gets concerning the baby.  That's a closeness I never thought I'd have, back then... and one I cherish today!  I love you, Tatum Marie!