Shame is defined as "a painful sensation excited by a consciousness of guilt, or of having done something which injures reputation; or by the exposure of that which nature or modesty prompts us to conceal" (Websters, 1828). Samuel Johnson wrote, "Shame prevails when reason is defeated" (The Rambler, 1903) In dysfunctional families, shame prevails.
We were not meant to carry shame. In fact, Jesus died so that we might live in freedom from the bondage of sin - the great shame-maker. As a believer in Christ, feelings of guilt are my indicator that I need to be forgiven. If I am faithful to confess my sin, He is "faithful and just" to forgive me and wash me clean (1 John 1:9). My guilt is absolved. Since guilt precedes shame, forgiveness sets me free.
What if I don't see my sin? Then guilt remains to which I am oblivious. I stand condemned, shame is my cloak. God loves me, though, and He is faithful to bring about circumstances (often people) to expose sin in my life. (see 1 Samuel 12, Galatians 6:1, Numbers 22:28) "Come let us reason together," the prophet says (Isaiah 1:18). Hearts and minds come together to bring about a resolution to an offense against one another and God. When reason prevails, shame is defeated.
This tends not to be the case in a dysfunctional family. Accusations are lodged and "conversation" remains one-sided. "At least two concepts are important when assessing the effectiveness of a family. These include how well family functions are undertaken and how well family members communicate with each other" (Zastrow, p. 154). Going further, Zastrow states, "Good communication involves clear expression of personal ideas and feelings even when they differ from those of other family members." A family that is functioning well is willing to listen to one another (to reason together.) It's a two-way communication that leaves little room for shame, but instead makes way for grace.
