Mercy Tree

Fly

Yesterday was his birthday.

We used to fly over Grandma's house and "wave."
I can still feel the feeling of the plane gently rocking to wave at Grandma with its big wings.

Turbulence.
"Did you see those little boys throwing rocks in the road?"
I can still hear his voice.

The safest place to be, in the whole world, was up in the air with Grandpa.
Flying, safe and sound, with the bravest, strongest man on earth.

On our way to his memorial service, we drove by NAS-Whidbey.
He was stationed there when he met Grandma.
"See that girl over there?" he told his buddy, "I'm going to marry her."
And he did.

As we drove by, my husband and I, two Navy jets flew overhead.
"That's the sound of freedom."
(I could still hear his voice.)
One more fly-by.
Waves of grief.

So grateful to have been loved by him.  Loving him, and thinking of the precious family who loves him still.

Worth Fighting For

Love is not a fight, but it's something worth fighting for. ~Warren Barfield

Healthy Family Systems

"They are playing a game.
They are playing at not playing a game.
If I show them I see they are playing a game,
I shall break the rules and they will punish me.
I must play the game of not seeing that I play the game."
R.D. Laing

Traits of a healthy family come out of a relationship between a mom and a dad [or other parental figures] who practice and model the following. 

• They view stress as a normal part of family life – Expecting things to go easy all the time is unrealistic.  Change is part of growth, and change is, by nature, stressful.
• They share feelings as well as words – When you're not be allowed to enter into another person's feelings, there is an isolation. And to be alone in your own feelings fosters loneliness. Sharing feelings is risky.  Riskiness proves reliability, though.  Sharing feelings = intimacy.  Intimacy is where real relationships thrive.
• They develop conflict-resolution skills and creative coping skills – Conflict is inevitable and communication is necessary to resolve conflict and restore peace; positive coping skills are beneficial to handling stress.   
• They make use of support people and systems – It is pride that keeps people from seeking the help of others.  We were never meant to carry heavy burdens by ourselves.  Seeking help is not a sign of weakness!
• They are adaptable – “Come to respect each other’s habits and needs,” instead of trying to change the other person into who you think he or she ought to be.  Adaptability happens naturally and it’s an individual process – not an “other person” process.  “When faced with a stress, adaptable couples are able to modify attitudes and habits to best meet it.” (Dolores Curran, The Couple Relationship)

And what if the whole family is sunk?  Can one person make a difference by changing the attitude of his/her own heart and mind?

"A little girl comes along and says: let's have fun.

But having fun is a waste of time,

because it doesn't help to figure out why they're not having fun."

Laing

One person can't change a whole family.  In fact, no person can change another person, at all. [Only the Holy Spirit can do that.] That one person, though, can determine to make changes in his/her own life. To make a difference that has the potential to have a lasting impact.  Do not be deterred by discouragement. Determine to grow to maturity and to begin to set a different course for those who would follow behind.  I am confident you will be better off because of it.  And so will the rest of the world.

Unashamed

Shame is defined as "a painful sensation excited by a consciousness of guilt, or of having done something which injures reputation; or by the exposure of that which nature or modesty prompts us to conceal" (Websters, 1828).  Samuel Johnson wrote, "Shame prevails when reason is defeated" (The Rambler, 1903)  In dysfunctional families, shame prevails.

We were not meant to carry shame.  In fact, Jesus died so that we might live in freedom from the bondage of sin - the great shame-maker.  As a believer in Christ, feelings of guilt are my indicator that I need to be forgiven.  If I am faithful to confess my sin, He is "faithful and just" to forgive me and wash me clean (1 John 1:9).  My guilt is absolved.  Since guilt precedes shame, forgiveness sets me free.

What if I don't see my sin?  Then guilt remains to which I am oblivious.  I stand condemned, shame is my cloak.  God loves me, though, and He is faithful to bring about circumstances (often people) to expose sin in my life.  (see 1 Samuel 12, Galatians 6:1, Numbers 22:28)  "Come let us reason together," the prophet says (Isaiah 1:18).  Hearts and minds come together to bring about a resolution to an offense against one another and God.  When reason prevails, shame is defeated.

This tends not to be the case in a dysfunctional family.  Accusations are lodged and "conversation" remains one-sided.  "At least two concepts are important when assessing the effectiveness of a family.  These include how well family functions are undertaken and how well family members communicate with each other" (Zastrow, p. 154).   Going further, Zastrow states, "Good communication involves clear expression of personal ideas and feelings even when they differ from those of other family members."  A family that is functioning well is willing to listen to one another (to reason together.)  It's a two-way communication that leaves little room for shame, but instead makes way for grace.