On my way to the spot we'd agreed on, I phoned a friend in Las Vegas. "He's lost his job. He has something to tell me and it's really bad. I'm scared. Please pray." She promised to do that.
Pulling into the vacant parking lot, I continued to pray. I parked and I prayed. "You've got me, Lord. You've got us. I don't know what I'm going to hear, but I trust You. Cover us, Lord. Keep us. I'm scared." I can't remember now exactly what I prayed, but I know that's what was on my heart.
My husband pulled in and parked on my right. He got out of his car and got into mine on the passenger side. He was clearly distraught and obviously nervous. He was struggling to find the words he needed. I told him, "I'm prepared. Whatever it is, I'm ok. We're going to be ok. Just tell me."
What came out was a run-down of his company's no-tolerance policy on pornography. He had accessed pornographic images on his company-issued laptop and was terminated as a result. He told me how it had started with lingerie ads. I was hurt and I was angry and I had questions.
After asking a series of questions, I told him that I would (eventually) forgive him. I was, after all, no better than him. Before moving to Washington I had entered into an emotional (non-sexual) relationship with another man. After meeting at a kids' camp, we had begun exchanging friendly emails and occasional phone calls. It went on for about two months before my husband found out. He was crushed. I was embarrassed. It was stupid... and hurtful. (Let she who is without sin cast the first stone.)
So, yes. I would forgive him, But first, I wanted him out of my car. And I told him so. He got out, got into his own car, and drove off. I stayed put. I pounded my steering wheel and yelled at God. I screamed. I cried. Somehow I felt like I had been protected. That I had been blessed with a man who did not struggle with pornography. I deserved that, I thought. With the things I had experienced as a child, I wouldn't be able to deal with a continued pornographic battle, I thought. I felt deeply betrayed.
Besides that, I had recently confronted him. I had suspected something had come between us. I thought maybe there were temptations, but my husband assured me that was not the case. Additionally, our teenage son had recently been caught viewing pornography. This would have been a great chance for him to share honestly with me and connect with our son. But he lied.
Eventually, I left the parking lot. I called my girlfriend and told her what had happened. I asked her to keep praying. She said she would. The next few days, weeks and months held more than I can relate in a simple blog post. I can tell you that the Lord was faithful to take us through one of the toughest seasons of our marriage. Nine years later, I sometimes wonder, but I know my husband and I trust his faithfulness. Not just to me, but to the Lord.
I recently shared a poem with my daughters in which the author writes, "on a scale of one to over-trusting, I am pretty damn naive." I tend to be suspicious, critical and cynical by nature. Not exactly naive. I suppose I could be naive in believing that my husband remains free from a pornographic addiction, but I choose to believe in a power greater than each of us. My husband continues to maintain accountability and safeguards. I'm willing to believe in the work that God is able to do in him. After all, He's done it in me, too.
2Corinthians 7:10Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. 11See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done. At every point you have proved yourselves to be innocent in this matter. 12So even though I wrote to you, it was neither on account of the one who did the wrong nor on account of the injured party, but rather that before God you could see for yourselves how devoted to us you are. 13By all this we are encouraged.
What's really cool is that our story has been shared with close to two hundred people. As it's been shared, men have uncovered their own sin, and have moved to make amends in their own marriages. Women have been through the difficult process of recognition, healing, forgiveness and redemption. It's not a story we are proud of, but we are no longer ashamed. Redemption breaks that bond. The enemy tends to remind us of our past. We serve a God, though, who is much more concerned with our future.
