Infidelity and Redemption

In 2005 my husband lost his job.  Just after Valentine's Day he called me from the road.  He was on his way home from the office in the middle of the day.  He was crying.  I thought someone had died.  Of course, I immediately responded with concern.  He told me he had just been fired and that he had something to tell me.  He went on to say that what he had to say, he didn't want to tell me at home.  I agreed to meet him nearby.

On my way to the spot we'd agreed on, I phoned a friend in Las Vegas.  "He's lost his job.  He has something to tell me and it's really bad.  I'm scared.  Please pray."  She promised to do that.

Pulling into the vacant parking lot, I continued to pray.  I parked and I prayed.  "You've got me, Lord.  You've got us.  I don't know what I'm going to hear, but I trust You. Cover us, Lord.  Keep us.  I'm scared."  I can't remember now exactly what I prayed, but I know that's what was on my heart.  

My husband pulled in and parked on my right.  He got out of his car and got into mine on the passenger side.  He was clearly distraught and obviously nervous.  He was struggling to find the words he needed.  I told him, "I'm prepared.  Whatever it is, I'm ok.  We're going to be ok.  Just tell me."

What came out was a run-down of his company's no-tolerance policy on pornography.  He had accessed pornographic images on his company-issued laptop and was terminated as a result.  He told me how it had started with lingerie ads.  I was hurt and I was angry and I had questions.

After asking a series of questions, I told him that I would (eventually) forgive him.  I was, after all, no better than him.  Before moving to Washington I had entered into an emotional (non-sexual) relationship with another man.  After meeting at a kids' camp, we had begun exchanging friendly emails and occasional phone calls.  It went on for about two months before my husband found out.  He was crushed.  I was embarrassed. It was stupid... and hurtful.  (Let she who is without sin cast the first stone.)

So, yes.  I would forgive him,  But first, I wanted him out of my car.  And I told him so.  He got out, got into his own car, and drove off.  I stayed put.  I pounded my steering wheel and yelled at God.  I screamed.  I cried.  Somehow I felt like I had been protected.  That I had been blessed with a man who did not struggle with pornography.  I deserved that, I thought.  With the things I had experienced as a child, I wouldn't be able to deal with a continued pornographic battle, I thought.  I felt deeply betrayed.

Besides that, I had recently confronted him.  I had suspected something had come between us. I thought maybe there were temptations, but my husband assured me that was not the case.  Additionally, our teenage son had recently been caught viewing pornography.  This would have been a great chance for him to share honestly with me and connect with our son.  But he lied.

Eventually, I left the parking lot.  I called my girlfriend and told her what had happened.  I asked her to keep praying.  She said she would.  The next few days, weeks and months held more than I can relate in a simple blog post.  I can tell you that the Lord was faithful to take us through one of the toughest seasons of our marriage.  Nine years later, I sometimes wonder, but I know my husband and I trust his faithfulness.  Not just to me, but to the Lord.

I recently shared a poem with my daughters in which the author writes, "on a scale of one to over-trusting, I am pretty damn naive."  I tend to be suspicious, critical and cynical by nature.  Not exactly naive.  I suppose I could be naive in believing that my husband remains free from a pornographic addiction, but I choose to believe in a power greater than each of us.  My husband continues to maintain accountability and safeguards.  I'm willing to believe in the work that God is able to do in him.  After all, He's done it in me, too.

2Corinthians 7:10Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. 11See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done. At every point you have proved yourselves to be innocent in this matter. 12So even though I wrote to you, it was neither on account of the one who did the wrong nor on account of the injured party, but rather that before God you could see for yourselves how devoted to us you are. 13By all this we are encouraged.

What's really cool is that our story has been shared with close to two hundred people.  As it's been shared, men have uncovered their own sin, and have moved to make amends in their own marriages.  Women have been through the difficult process of recognition, healing, forgiveness and redemption.  It's not a story we are proud of, but we are no longer ashamed.  Redemption breaks that bond.  The enemy tends to remind us of our past.  We serve a God, though, who is much more concerned with our future.

Oceans... Where feet may fail.

Grab a cup of something warm, sit, and enjoy...

Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me,
You never fail and won't stop now.
~Hillsong United

Thank you to Olga, who posted this today.  Such a sweet rendition, and a beautiful reminder of our frailty in human form, and God's faithfulness to make us "stronger in the presence of my Savior."

Reflect

A mirror image.
For better or worse.
His glory and grace.
My sin and my shame.

Like a lake reflects the sky.
So my heart reflects...[what?]
It's inevitable.

Where have I set my gaze?
From where is my heart transformed?


"Anyone who listens to the word, but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like.  But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it, he will be blessed in what he does."  
James 1:23-25


 

Mercy Tree

Fly

Yesterday was his birthday.

We used to fly over Grandma's house and "wave."
I can still feel the feeling of the plane gently rocking to wave at Grandma with its big wings.

Turbulence.
"Did you see those little boys throwing rocks in the road?"
I can still hear his voice.

The safest place to be, in the whole world, was up in the air with Grandpa.
Flying, safe and sound, with the bravest, strongest man on earth.

On our way to his memorial service, we drove by NAS-Whidbey.
He was stationed there when he met Grandma.
"See that girl over there?" he told his buddy, "I'm going to marry her."
And he did.

As we drove by, my husband and I, two Navy jets flew overhead.
"That's the sound of freedom."
(I could still hear his voice.)
One more fly-by.
Waves of grief.

So grateful to have been loved by him.  Loving him, and thinking of the precious family who loves him still.

Worth Fighting For

Love is not a fight, but it's something worth fighting for. ~Warren Barfield

Healthy Family Systems

"They are playing a game.
They are playing at not playing a game.
If I show them I see they are playing a game,
I shall break the rules and they will punish me.
I must play the game of not seeing that I play the game."
R.D. Laing

Traits of a healthy family come out of a relationship between a mom and a dad [or other parental figures] who practice and model the following. 

• They view stress as a normal part of family life – Expecting things to go easy all the time is unrealistic.  Change is part of growth, and change is, by nature, stressful.
• They share feelings as well as words – When you're not be allowed to enter into another person's feelings, there is an isolation. And to be alone in your own feelings fosters loneliness. Sharing feelings is risky.  Riskiness proves reliability, though.  Sharing feelings = intimacy.  Intimacy is where real relationships thrive.
• They develop conflict-resolution skills and creative coping skills – Conflict is inevitable and communication is necessary to resolve conflict and restore peace; positive coping skills are beneficial to handling stress.   
• They make use of support people and systems – It is pride that keeps people from seeking the help of others.  We were never meant to carry heavy burdens by ourselves.  Seeking help is not a sign of weakness!
• They are adaptable – “Come to respect each other’s habits and needs,” instead of trying to change the other person into who you think he or she ought to be.  Adaptability happens naturally and it’s an individual process – not an “other person” process.  “When faced with a stress, adaptable couples are able to modify attitudes and habits to best meet it.” (Dolores Curran, The Couple Relationship)

And what if the whole family is sunk?  Can one person make a difference by changing the attitude of his/her own heart and mind?

"A little girl comes along and says: let's have fun.

But having fun is a waste of time,

because it doesn't help to figure out why they're not having fun."

Laing

One person can't change a whole family.  In fact, no person can change another person, at all. [Only the Holy Spirit can do that.] That one person, though, can determine to make changes in his/her own life. To make a difference that has the potential to have a lasting impact.  Do not be deterred by discouragement. Determine to grow to maturity and to begin to set a different course for those who would follow behind.  I am confident you will be better off because of it.  And so will the rest of the world.

Unashamed

Shame is defined as "a painful sensation excited by a consciousness of guilt, or of having done something which injures reputation; or by the exposure of that which nature or modesty prompts us to conceal" (Websters, 1828).  Samuel Johnson wrote, "Shame prevails when reason is defeated" (The Rambler, 1903)  In dysfunctional families, shame prevails.

We were not meant to carry shame.  In fact, Jesus died so that we might live in freedom from the bondage of sin - the great shame-maker.  As a believer in Christ, feelings of guilt are my indicator that I need to be forgiven.  If I am faithful to confess my sin, He is "faithful and just" to forgive me and wash me clean (1 John 1:9).  My guilt is absolved.  Since guilt precedes shame, forgiveness sets me free.

What if I don't see my sin?  Then guilt remains to which I am oblivious.  I stand condemned, shame is my cloak.  God loves me, though, and He is faithful to bring about circumstances (often people) to expose sin in my life.  (see 1 Samuel 12, Galatians 6:1, Numbers 22:28)  "Come let us reason together," the prophet says (Isaiah 1:18).  Hearts and minds come together to bring about a resolution to an offense against one another and God.  When reason prevails, shame is defeated.

This tends not to be the case in a dysfunctional family.  Accusations are lodged and "conversation" remains one-sided.  "At least two concepts are important when assessing the effectiveness of a family.  These include how well family functions are undertaken and how well family members communicate with each other" (Zastrow, p. 154).   Going further, Zastrow states, "Good communication involves clear expression of personal ideas and feelings even when they differ from those of other family members."  A family that is functioning well is willing to listen to one another (to reason together.)  It's a two-way communication that leaves little room for shame, but instead makes way for grace.

come closer

come closer.  

come into this.

you are quite the beauty.  if no one has ever told you that before, know that right now.

you are quite the beauty. 

there is joy in how your mouths dance with your teeth.  

your smiles 
are simply signs 
of how sacred your life actually is.

He made you, and He was happy.  
you make the Lord happy.

come into this.  

come closer.

know that something softer than us, but just as holy 

planted pieces of Himself into our feet 
that we might one day dance our way back.

know that you are almost home.  
come just a little bit closer.

there are birds beating their wings beneath your breastplates.  

gentle sparrows that ache to sing.

come aching hearts,

come soldiers of joy,

doormen of truth.

know that my heart was too big for my body so i let it go.

and most days, this world has thinned me to the point where i am just another cloud, 

forgetting another flock of swans.  

but believe me when i tell you that my soul has managed to squeeze itself into such narrow spaces.

place your hands beneath your heads when you sleep tonight, and perhaps you will find it there,

making beauty as we sleep, as we dream, as we turn over.

when we turn over in the ground, may the ghosts that we have asked answers of

do that turning,

kneading us into crumbs of light and into this single thing called life.

come into it. come.  

you wooden museums, 

gentle tigers,

little giants.

I see teacups upside down, glowing across your grins.

your hearts are like my hands. 
some days, all they do is tremble. 

i am like you. 

i am like you. 

i too, at times, am filled with so much fear... so much fear. 

but, like a hallway, must find the strength to walk through it. 

walk through this with  me.

through this church of blood, bone and muscle that is ours. 

there is a doorknob that is glowing. glowing like chants before you. 

grab it, turn and pull.

step through. 
back straight, chin up, hearts loud. 

walk through this with me.  

walk through this with me.

thank you.

~Anis Mojgani

An Everlasting Rock

Aaron and I went hiking yesterday. It was such a beautiful day. Blue skies, warm air - bright, brilliant sunshine! It was lovely!! The plan was to head out to Alpental at Snoqualmie and do the Source Lake hike. We'd never been there before and Aaron had heard from his boss that it was a great hike. I imagined hiking in the heights of the Snoqualmie mountain area. We were excited to get started.

As we arrived at Alpental, we weren't sure of the exact route to get to the trail head. Aaron took a turn that led us down a narrow road toward Denny Creek. As we wound our way down, the paved road took us over a bank of rock that kind of creeped me out. I imagined huge rocks cascading down the mountain in an avalanche, breaking and crushing everything in its path. There was no way a person could survive that type of disaster. The first question in my mind was: "Is it possible for that to happen now?" And then: "I don't want to be here if it does."

Worship.

When my heart has had all it can take, I worship You.  When my world is good or bad, I worship You.  Life is crazy, and this world is mixed up, messed up. I worship You.

Worship is an expression of loving.  It is attributing worth to something... to someone.  I cannot help but worship God. He is not simply worthy... He is worth all that I have to give.  I worship Him. 

Not just in song, but with the very essence of my life.  Worship is more than choosing to spend a few minutes singing.  Like the song says, it's letting my Life Song sing to You.

Jesus, I worship You.  Perfectly incomplete, as I am.  You are worthy.

My soul yearns for You in the night; my spirit within me earnestly seeks You,

For when Your judgements are in the earth, the inhabitants of the world learn righteousness.

-Isaiah 26:9

I Like to Run Alone

I like to run alone.

• I can go at my own pace.
• There's no one to which I am accountable.
• I'm not holding anyone up.
• I don't feel the pressure of letting anyone down.
• If I want to go faster, I don't have to worry about whether someone else is keeping up.
• I am hindered only by own physical limitations - and no one else suffers the consequences.
• I am not embarrassed when my ability pales in comparison to someone else's.
• I can set my own course.

In some ways this is good.  In others, not so much. 

Maturity, set to words.

If...

Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;

If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

The Power and the "Want To"

..."for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to His good purpose." Philippians 2.13

Because of the way it is written, I had always heard/read this verse to mean that it was God's will and God's action that fulfills His good purpose in me.  Though it's true that my faith-filled life begins with His will and His action on my behalf, that's not what the writer was talking about here.

Apart from Christ we are unable to do what is good in the eyes of God.  Apart from His Spirit living inside us, our best efforts to do good are like filthy rags in the presence of a holy God. Without the counsel of His Word we are powerless to change.

But with Him, look out!

The amplified Bible puts it this way...  (read it slowly and thoughtfully)

[Not in your own strength] for it is God Who is all the while effectually at work in you [energizing and creating in you the power and desire], both to will and to work for His good pleasure and satisfaction and delight.

There is so much packed into those precious words.

When our lives call for a change that honors God, there is nothing that should be allowed to get in the way. Our lives, if we believe Him, are to be a reflection of who God is - His character, His nature, His glory! The Lord gives us the desire and the power to do exactly that.  It is only our forgivable sin that gets in the way. (1John 1.9)

"Now may the God of hope [the God from Whom hope comes] fill you with every sort of joy and peace in believing, so that you may have an abundance of hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15.13

"Whatever was written before was written for our instruction that by the endurance and the encouragement that the Scriptures give us we may have hope." Romans 15.4

Lord, help me to honor You.  I don't want to be stuck in old ways, old patterns, the old me. Let my life be a reflection of Your glory. Help me to be more like Jesus, who died to give me life and make me free! I love You, Lord. You are El Shaddai... all I need. Fill me with Your Spirit. Forgive me of my unbelief and that sin that entangles me. You are good.  Amen.

"I support your right to choose..."

Or do I?  I believe in a sovereign Creator.  He is a God who created the world ("The earth, together with all of its countries, peoples, and natural features." Google Dictionary)  I believe He has a purpose and a plan for His creation.  (Why else would He have created it?  Who creates something out of nothing, and then walks away?  Wait.  Don't answer that.)  I can be outspoken about sin, but do I have the right to be outspoken about the sinner?  No.  He or she has the right to choose that which he or she is led by his or her own conscience, whether for good or for harm.  And I support that right.

Should I help pass legislation that supports that right?  No.  Doing so has the potential to support the sin.  If I say a woman should be free to choose whether or not she wants to put an end to the life that lives within her own body, and she chooses death, I have made it possible for her to do so.  I oppose abortion, so I vote "no," regardless of how it's worded on a ballot.  If I say a homosexual couple should be free to choose whether or not they want to live according to their "natural" desires, agreeing on a ballot to change the definition of the terms "husband" and "wife," I have sanctioned the acts that go along with that.  I oppose homosexual "marriage", so I vote "no."

Am I a "bad" person because I stand opposed?  No.  I'm exercising my conscience.  Just as others exercise theirs.  We are "bad" people when we do "bad" things.  (I am included in that.)  In that, we all are capable of being "bad" people.  "Bad" is a reference to morality, isn't it?  Who defines morality?  (I suppose that's become more and more subjective.)

I support your right to choose.  I do not support the sin that you (or I) choose to practice.  There are always negative consequences with sin.  My friend Dawn said, "I'm going to support legislation that makes it hard for folks to sin, because I want the blessing of God, (and) not the back-splash of the consequences of others' sin."  That's a great way to look at it, in my opinion.

So, yes.  Your right to choose is the same as mine, I support that.  And, overall, God is our judge.

Today...

I'm feeling a little overwhelmed, emotionally. The weird part is that my emotions are running under the surface. I'm not wracked with emotion, crying uncontrollably. I really don't have anything to cry about, yet, and it's possible that I won't have any reason to. I've always sort of made it my policy not to become upset about something that hasn't happened, yet. So. I sit here. Waiting.  I'm waiting until Monday afternoon, when I can have a test done, and then wait some more while an evaluation of the results takes place. While I'm waiting, I'm going to choose to trust God.  The God who made me, and knows me, and who hasn't left my side, and who will walk with me, no matter what. "You keep in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You." (Isaiah 26:3) In the meantime, I'm a little nervous, somewhat frightened, but choosing to rest in the assurance that I don't know the worst, and am hoping for the best possible outcome.  And that's where I find peace.  Not that it's all going to be ok, but that whatever comes, I'm ok.  I'm His. And I really have nothing to fear.

God's Good, Pleasing, and Perfect Will

"Do not be conformed any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what the Lord's will is - His good, pleasing, and perfect will." Romans 12:2

I have a dream.  How much energy should I expend in making it a reality?  Should I promote it actively, or in a more nonchalant fashion?  I have an education to gain - in what order should I place my priorities?  It seems like the Lord is tugging at my heart - but I just don't know.  Help!

This morning I came to an interesting realization.  Well, maybe it's been happening over the last little while.  (I love how the Lord works.)  I realized that I'm unable to successfully and confidently determine what the Lord's will is.  The reason for this inability - and here's the realization - is that I've allowed myself to conform in various ways to the pattern of the world in which I'm living.  That's when He reminded me of the verse above, Romans 12.  As He did, I began to see glimpses of the reality that is yet to come - His will. (?)  He has a good, pleasing, and perfect will.  As I'm being conformed to His image - transforming my thoughts and actions - I can start to see (and do) His will.

One step at a time, walking in obedience to a living, loving and holy God, I will see His will fulfilled.

Thank You, Jesus.

Mullins' Escape

Posting this for Jill-ann.  Praying for Dottie's safe return, and for the care she receives in the meantime.

Years ago, we had a cockatiel that we named Mullins - after one of my favorite music artists.  This is the story of our heartbreak, uncertainty and reconciliation.

ANSWERED PRAYER: Mullins' Escape!

I took our cockatiel (Mullins) out of his cage, and brought him upstairs with me while I finished some chores. He was a great little buddy.  As I was putting away clothes, he flew out of the bedroom, down the stairs, and out the back door. Before he reached the back door, however, he bumped into a window. (ouch!) This probably shook him up a bit. I had run down the stairs and saw him just as he flew over the back wall, landing in the drainpipe of the house behind us. From my backyard, I could see his little yellow head as he perched in this temporary sanctuary. I sent Aaron outside to call Mullins. Mullins loved Aaron.  Aaron called, but Mullins wouldn't come. Aaron came back inside and went out again after a few minutes. This time, Mullins climbed up onto the edge of the drainpipe. We were hopeful that he would come right over. However...as he lifted off to take flight, some pigeons from the house next door also took flight.  I'm sure he felt as if they were in pursuit. In his fright, Mullins soared off over the top of our house. Out of sight and certainly unreachable.

Later on, I walked through the neighborhood. Mullins could have been anywhere! I was quite discouraged. After the kids got home, Taylor and I made flyers and posted them on mailboxes (we have the community-type boxes). Before we set out, we prayed. We asked the Lord to protect Mullins, and we asked that He would help Mullins find a home if he were not to come back to us. We knew that God could tell Mullins how to get home. Of course 'could' and 'would' are two different things. Later that night I prayed, Aaron had prayed, and Taylor was praying.

The next day, I realized that the mailman had removed the flyers we had posted the day before. We decided not to re-post them. We continued to pray. It was not looking good, though. The night before had been cold. A small bird like Mullins can catch cold very easily and that's the end of it. He's not a wild bird, so he's not able to find his own food and water. 36 hours is a long time! In the mean time, we left his cage on the back porch, with plenty of fresh seed, water.

On the next day, still no Mullins. That morning was colder than the one before, which meant that the night had been colder, too. I realized the day before that I was going to miss his little voice and his whistles. We have a lovebird, too. They call to one another. Sylvester would miss his buddy. Things didn't seem very hopeful...until that afternoon.

When we got home from school, there was a message on the answering machine. A boy had found our bird. He was three blocks away (on the street that I reluctantly went ahead and posted flyers on that first day). The boy, Patrick, said that he and his friend were playing outside earlier and spotted Mullins on top of the roof. Patrick, 12 yrs. old, climbed up on the roof and brought Mullins down. He took him inside where his mother put some water out. Mullins was VERY thirsty, they said. They had him in a little cage. We were so excited!!

When we picked Mullins up, he barely weighed anything! He was starving and very weak. I gave Patrick a $20 reward, since that is what we had promised on our flyer. We went home, clipped Mullins' wings, and set him up with plenty of food and water in his own cozy home.

In the meantime, Patrick tracked us down and returned the reward. He said he was glad that he was able to help and that's all the thanks he needed. Great kid!! We decided to leave a gift for Patrick and his friends on his doorstep. The card said, "Thank you for saving Mullins!"

You can be sure that we thanked the Lord for answering our prayer in such a fantastic way! We thanked Him for keeping Mullins safe, for bringing him home and for giving Patrick the courage to do what he did - both times!  We were fortunate to experience such a happy ending.  It was a great picture of the Lord's sovereignty, provision and care.

"In you, O Lord, I have taken refuge...

Be my rock of refuge to which I can always go..."

Psalm 71:1,3

The Lord is...

Psalm 23

The LORD is my shepherd, (overseer)
I shall not want. (provider)
He makes me lie down in green pastures; (sympathizer)
He leads me beside quiet waters. (encourager)
He restores my soul: (calm assurance giver)
He guides me in the paths of righteousness (holy leader)
For His name's sake. (one who regards reputation)

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, (conqueror, comforter)
I fear no evil, for You are with me; (mighty protector)
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. (disciplinarian)
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; (righteous judge, sustainer)
You have anointed my head with oil; (elector, sanctifier)
My cup overflows.  (generous giver)

Surely goodness and loving-kindness will follow me all the days of my life, (true and faithful lover)
And I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever. (eternal life giver)

The LORD is... my Shepherd.

The Words of a Love Song

Journal entry from years ago...

~oh, ashley... did you mean for the words of your song to speak to my heart as if they were the words of the Lord? that's what's happened tonight. in my despair, the Lord spoke to my heart with your words. He said, "All that you bring to the table is love. And that is so much. That is so much..." in response, my heart rested in Him as He brought more than enough to feed my empty soul. it is by His grace that i am what i am. and it is by His grace that i'm able to give to those who are most important in my life. ashley, thank you for the words of that song. and thank you for your continuing encouragement. you are a blessing, dear one. you are a blessing.~

I had watched the movie Spanglish, and the ending brought a huge realization.  There was a stand-off between a mom and her daughter.  The mom said, in her thick Spanish accent,  "No space between us!"  It was emotional and desperate and true.  In that moment, I applied it to my relationship with my step-daughter.  I wanted so much to be close with her.  But I also knew that she was/is her mother's daughter.  Not mine, by birth.  Having been so in love with Ashley's song weeks before, it was hidden in my heart.  And, at just the right time, the Lord used those words to minister to me as I bled, emotionally.  I was called to love a child who was not my own.  And I did.  I was realizing that I had not been loving unconditionally.  My expectations had gotten in the way.  She was not my own.  There were certain things I could expect - but a return on my investment, when I wanted it, was not one of them.

Love is a gamble that we take.  And in the words of another poignant song...  "It's never for nothing."  Margaret Becker sang, "It's never for nothing, when you love with no return.  It's never for nothing.  You light your candle in the darkness.  But it's never for nothing."  Lord, help me to completely trust Your love.  Help me to trust You.  Please forgive my selfish piety.  Help me to honor You from this day forward.  Father, give me enough grace to share with others.  Ashley sings, "All that You bring to the table is love, and that is so much. That is so much.  (It really is) more than enough to feed us."  Father, help me to be grateful for the love that You've given.  Thank You for loving me.  May I always be satisfied in You.  In Jesus' name.  Amen.

***
Now, that same daughter... my beautiful daughter... has her own precious little baby growing inside.  Tatum is 26, and she's expected to give birth in July.  I am so hugely blessed by the tender-loving relationship we share today.  Her dad and I get texts within minutes of the news she gets concerning the baby.  That's a closeness I never thought I'd have, back then... and one I cherish today!  I love you, Tatum Marie!

What does it look like?

"Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands..." (btw, "in the same way" means that something came before this that was related to what is now being said.  it's always a good idea to go back a few lines, or even a complete section, in the Bible to find out what it was that brought the writer to this place. in this case, people who believe in Jesus are being reminded of the hope that they have in Him, and what it means to live in a world that is lost.)

"...so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives." (1Peter 3) He goes on to say that looking pretty on the outside may win his heart for a moment, but when your beauty comes from inside, you could win him forever!  What a thought!

So, if we were doing this study together, in my living room, I'd have you look up the words:

* submissive * purity * reverence * gentle * quiet *

And then we'd talk about them.  We might also talk about: adornment, inner self, unfading, what it means to live like you don't (and do) believe in the word, and how it feels to win someone over.

Now, I may have lost some of you for a moment there.  But, hang with me for a minute...

There are so many young women who struggle with this. And many who are older, having missed the lessons in their younger days.  I'm seeing it over and over again - especially in girls.  And, if I'm honest, it's reflected in me, too.  We've missed the point... and the purpose!

So, here's what I'm thinking...

Does this only apply to wives?  A teen girl, for example, whose mother or father is harsh, mean, demanding.  Isn't it natural to return contempt with contempt? (that's a good word to look up, too.  i don't know why we don't do more contrasting word studies.)  And what's the response of the parent? How do you encourage someone to display kindness when what she really wants to do is tell her mom off?  Does it matter?  YES!  

Imagine turning your household upside-down with a simple thing like a positive attitude, and a friendly smile!  Don't you believe in the Word?  And what's keeping you from being nice?  What's going on inside?  How much junk is clogging an outpouring of gentleness in your life (and mine)?!

"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." (Prov. 15:1)  There you have it.  God says, "gentle > harsh"  In fact, there are positive results with gentleness, and a flurry of "negative emotion" when we are harsh, demanding and mean.  Go figure. 

Let's apply it...

What does it mean to function without contempt... what is a gentle and quiet spirit?... does kindness count?  ... how can this apply more broadly?... what are the tendencies of women, young and old?... do you (I) believe the word of God?

Discuss... ;)